At My Whit’s End: Jesus Gives Love a Bad Name
(Original (horrible) art by Gary Locke. Modified by yours truly.)
Every move I make, I make in you
You make me move, Jesus
Every breath I take, I breathe in you
- David Ruis
“Accepting Jesus” is a major part of the Christian experience. I mentioned it a lot in my last blog where I shared the story of my (and Connie’s) conversion. The details what that entails can vary but generally you pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and make him your savior.
Why?
Why do you have to believe in Jesus?
Why, in the entire story of my conversion, was this not a central topic?
And, uh, why is Jesus such a big deal you have to invite him into your soul like a vampire being invited into your home? Weirdly enough, both involve blood!
Even if you’ve never set foot in a church your entire life, you’ve probably heard of Jesus. Crying Jesus decals on cars, the ubiquity of WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelets in the ‘90s, Jesus is my Homeboy t-shirts, the buddy Christ imagery in Dogma, his mere name being a common exclamation, or street evangelists asking if you “know Jesus” thus rudely interrupting you explaining to your Tinder date that VR Troopers is a Power Rangers spinoff even if you know it’s more a self-made knockoff but you really don’t want to get into the weeds of it before the third date.
For those outside the faith it can feel like Christianity’s just non-stop Jesus talk 24/7. The primary goal of the faith seems to be suplexing Jesus into the mat of your soul (whether you want it or not.) This reputation isn’t unearned, especially when you’re getting the talking points from Evangelicals, but it’s more understandable within the culture.
From the moment they’re born, Christians are force fed the story of Jesus over and over again. He’s omnipresent in every aspect of their lives. His name uttered at the beginning and end of every prayer. His (far too white) image graces children’s bibles, prayer candles, statues, paintings, and so much more. Every other song mentions him, many of which really want you to refer to Jesus as Daddy (This, I now realize, is also what that Tinder date wanted to call me until VR Troopers came up.)
With that ubiquity it’s no wonder why Christians are so eager to share imagery of Jesus and tell you all about him. They want to share WHY you should believe in him, he’s the most important thing in their world! The problem is it’s tough distill that lifetime of importance down to an elevator pitch (or at least a tight five.) How do you sell the savior to the dirty secular masses? Well, tell the most important story about him, of course! The one where 90% of all the imagery you’ve seen of Jesus comes from.
The Crucifixion AKA the Easter story AKA the story of how Jesus died.
Which, yes, does answer why he should be your savior… But it’s like starting a movie from the ending. Anytime a believer leads with this story when trying to convert you they’re basically doing this.
Since so much of this blog covers Evangelical and Christian faith, it’d be helpful to know this story. If only to answer that question of why you should believe in Jesus. And of course what better way than learning it from known Jesus simp Mr. Whittaker torturing a child?
Episodes 66 & 67: The Imagination Station Parts 1 and 2
Digger Digwillow enters Whit’s newest invention, the Imagination Station, and experiences the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection.
There’s new child blood in Odyssey and he’s already committed the worst sin imaginable. Finding the Bible “boring”!
Ah, the ol’ expectation from Evangelicals that children should excitedly read the Bible. I was given my copy at 8-years-old! Let’s pull out a passage and see just how fun it was to read.
“Abraham took another wife, whose name was Keturah. She bore him Zim’ran, Jok’shan, Me’dan, Mid’ian, Ish’bak, and Shu’ah. Jok’shan was the father of She-ba and De-dan. The sons of De’dan were Asshu’rim, Letu’shim, and Leum’mim. The sons of Mid’ian were E’phan, E’pher, Ha’noch, Abi’da, and Elda’ah. All these were children of Ketu’rah.”¹
As someone who, at that same age, eagerly read The Star Trek: Encyclopedia, cover to cover, multiple times? The Bible’s a snooze fest. AIO, and by extension many Christians, expect kids to read a foundational religious text which:
1) Continually invites debate among scholars.
2) Has no single interpretation that can be agreed upon.
3) Cultural context is vital to understanding it.
4) People get degrees solely in studying it.
Yet an 8-year-old is supposed to find the book exciting and if you don’t you’re wrong?! Come on.
Digger, the wrong kid in question, is sent to the slaughter for his sins. AKA sent to Whit, who belittles him for enjoying comic books more than the Bible. I ask you, dear reader, which would you prefer to read? The comic’s that came out from Marvel the week this episode aired?
Or the Bible?
“You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment. But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matthew Chapter 5 verses 21-22.)²
I’m with Digger, but Whit won’t let his prey go so easily. He presents the Imagination Station, more or less the holodeck from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Whit programs stories from the Bible (or elsewhere) for kids to experience in virtual reality. Co-writer Phil Lollar laughably claims the AIO writing team came up with the concept at the same time as TNG³ which, as the kid who read the Star Trek: Encyclopedia front to back?
TNG debuted in 1987. This episode released in 1989. I know AIO did not have that long a lead time in their production schedule. And don’t get me started on how “The Recreation Room” was introduced all the way back in 1974 as part of Star Trek: The Animated Series! Fuck off, Phil.
Digger’s sent into “the story of Jesus,” which, of course, means the Crucifixion story. Digger’s already familiar with it, as the episode assumes its audience is, so no attempt is made to introduce who Jesus is or his significance. If you’re coming into this cold? Sorry, the writers think it’s more important to use up a third of the run-time with wacky time-travel style shenanigans. The people of Jerusalem point out Digger’s “strange garments” (with uncomfortable jokes about Jewish people!) and don’t understand his modern day phrases.
We only get some indication of Jesus’ importance when Digger serves bread to him. Digger merely lays eyes on the savior and instantly goes from dismissive to awestruck.
Digger: “He took the bread from me!”
John Mark: “Well, that was your job.”
Digger: “But... He looked-he looked at me. His-his eyes…”⁴
(Me when Jesus looks at me in the holodeck. Credit to my friend Alesha for that joke.)
This is not the real Jesus, it’s a computer program made by Whit, yet Digger’s still amazed by his… Hot aura, I guess?
We don’t hear any words of wisdom from Jesus. No miracles performed. There’s no reason given to be in awe of this man. Just the sight of him (very effective in audio form, guys) is supposedly enough.
Why?
Do the writers, and preachers on the street, for that matter, really believe the simple image of Jesus is enough to make you start wanting a little JO (Jesus Ofcourse)? Possibly, but more likely they’re too caught up in playing to their already bought-in base. Those listeners already feel this way about Jesus Bread and Butter Blood Christ. They believe you, godless peasant, will feel the same way too. No explanation’s needed. You’ll just look into Jesus’ Shinigami Eyes and feel his power. It’ll just happen. Don’t ask for proof. Don’t ask
why?
Every step I take, I take in You
You are my way Jesus
Every breath I take, I breathe in you
Digger goes over the experience with a Jesus believer.
Digger: “I- I’ve never seen anything… Anyone like him. When he looked at me I felt like-”
John Mark: “You felt like he was looking inside of you.”
Digger: “Yeah. Yeah, that’s how it felt. Like- Like he was looking inside me.”
John Mark: “Many have said the same thing.”
Digger: “But, it was more than that. It was like he was looking inside me. But looking with… Oh, I don’t know.”
John Mark: “Love, Digger. When he looks, it is as if he looks with a very sweet love. Like being held close in a soft warm blanket.” ⁵
If Evangelicals assume a non-believer will fall head over heels for Jesus just by looking at him? Imagine how they expect their own children and fellow believers to act? You don’t get to make up your own mind about Jesus. You’re fed the “correct” talking points and, especially, emotions you’re supposed to feel.
If you don’t feel like Digger? You force yourself to feel the “correct” way. Otherwise you’re faced with the most horrifying
Why?
Why don’t I feel like Digger? What’s wrong with me? If I can’t feel Jesus’ love… What have I done wrong? (Maybe Jesus hates VR Troopers trivia.) Does this mean I’m… Bad? That I’m going to hell?
A story with an actual character arc would have made Digger doubt Jesus for longer but AIO can’t model that kind of sinful behavior for kids. They might start asking
wh-
No, before part one even ends Digger already thinks Jesus is best girl, desperate just to look at him again.
This isn’t the only problem with the AIO version of the story. Silly things like properly introducing important characters or pacing out major story beats? Those don’t matter, just play the hits!
Focus on the Family Presents:
THE GREATEST HITS OF THE CRUCIFIXION STORY
Delivered to you in seven minutes of episode run-time!
-The Garden of Gethsemane
-Judas Betraying Jesus (Steamy Hot Kiss Version)
-Peter Denying Jesus
-Jesus on Trial (Produced by Dick Wolf)
The original Bible story has a lot of potential for adaptation, especially as it’s already so well known, but AIO refuses to change or leave out any of the details. That would be sinful! The Bible is God’s words made manifest! Who cares if they only have 40-something minutes? They’ve got to include everything! Doesn’t matter if it makes the story borderline incomprehensible to a non-believer audience!
This problem plagues damn near every major Christian adaptation of Bible stories. Even if intended for little kids? They’re bogged-down with being so strict and literal they even use ye-olde Bible language. Take, for example, the laughably trying to be hip Manga Messiah.⁶
(The biggest sin of this manga, besides being a filthy comic book, is Judas, top right, isn’t hot enough. Why isn’t that man full on yaoi boi?)
The only major exception to this trend is VeggieTales, the king of Christian Kids media, that, tellingly, never adapted the Jesus story.
This strict adaptation also means Digger can’t interact with the story in any meaningful way. It’s scene after scene of him reacting to it which, uh, doesn’t make for good drama! But hey, if you only care about telling Christian kids how to feel? Well then it’s… Still not very good, but they aren’t allowed to consume any other media so they’ll think its high art.
Part Two gives us one of the more iconic Jesus moments where he’s beaten and flogged! They give this plenty of time to breathe because Christians can’t get enough of their boi in pain. They love it more than I love watching that VR Troopers season 2 clip of Ryan Steele first utilizing his new powers to fight off the Ultra Skugs, Doom Master, the Vixens, and Despera where you can really tell the production gets to let loose now that they have Space Sheriff Shaider footage to work with. (Now that’s high art.) They love it so much that anytime a new Jesus movie gets released they eat it up. One in particular dominated my teen years.
Waves of mercy
Waves of grace
Everywhere I look
I see Your face
2004. Church Youth Group.
As always, I brought up the rear of the teens being led into the sanctuary. They were all in a clique, all cool, only talking to me because we were at Church. They were supposed to be nice here. At school? Well, he’s the freak who still likes VR Troopers. I sat in the pews and tossed off my battered baseball cap in some vague attempt at being respectful to the Lord. (He apparently cared if you wore a hat in church.)
The projector and its massive screen were set up. Movie day. Oh, thank God. No Bible games or group sing alongs where I pretend to like everyone. I could just zone out, write fanfic, or draw. But no, this was a special movie day. One where we’d get to watch a film that really captured
Why
we all believe. That film?
Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ.
Where Jesus stars in two hours of torture porn. Endless whippings. Blood. Beatings. I nearly threw up. I wanted to look away, to escape into my fantasy worlds, but was told I had to watch. More blood than I’d ever seen in a film was whipped out of Jesus. Our youth leader reverently commented, “this is what he really went through.” And that it made 610 million dollars. For Him.
I was 13. I just wanted to leave.
Why
did I have to see this?
Because, this is what being a Christian was about. Watching our savior get tortured and being told why that was so beautiful. Why it showed Jesus’ love. Why I needed to give even more of my life to him.
I went blank. Nodded my head at whatever they said. Added the new variations of the “correct” things to say and feel about the story I’d been building up all my life.
Jesus/God thought inflicting this misery was more important than using any of his devotees to notice or care how much of a depressed outcast I was. No one there would talk to me about the shows or movies I loved, they just wanted to torture me into loving Jesus. I mean, if that was how Jesus showed his love then why wouldn’t it work for Shamus?
What a sick fuck.
Your love has captured me
Oh my God, this love
How can it be
Back in AIO, Jesus is brought before governor Pontius Pilate who gives the people a choice. He can either let Jesus or the murderer Barabbas go free. The people choose Barabbas. Digger, infuriated, yells at Pilate who throws him in prison. There one of the prisoners chats with Digger.
Prisoner: “You’re the youngest prisoner I’ve ever seen. Almost as young as I when I started. Why are you in here?”
Digger: “Smarting off to Pilate.”
Prisoner: “Smarting off?”
Digger: “Yeah, you know. Being rude.”
Prisoner: -laughs- “Good! Good boy, you have spunk. You know why I’m in here?”
Digger: “N-no, why?”
Prisoner: “Murder. I kill rude little boys.”⁷
This is a rare moment where we actually slow down and introduce a character properly. This prisoner, delighted at a child following the same path as him, actually manages to establish a dynamic with Digger. More than Digger has with Jesus, that’s for sure. Now what if I told you it’s revealed that the prisoner is actually Barabbas?! It’s a great twist that enhances the scene’s darkly comedic bent and makes the choice to free this man over Jesus all the more heart-breaking.
Why did they choose Barabbas over Jesus? Uh, shut up. Do you not love Jesus Take Eat This is My Booty Christ?
The people behind AIO are so concerned about ruining the sanctity of Jesus that Digger has more dialogue with a murderer than the Son of God. Wouldn’t it have been for Digger to have some actual back and forth conversation with Jesus? It’d really help explain why he suddenly considers Jesus his friend, defending him as the Son of God.
Why
did Digger come to this belief? Who knows!
Digger’s released by a friendly guard, yet another new character this late into the story, and the two race to save Jesus. They’re too late. Our boi’s already T-posing on the haters aka nailed to a cross.
Jesus: “My God! My God, why have you forsaken me?”⁸
This is it, this is the crucifixion for which the story is named. Jesus hangs there on a wooden cross, head adorned with a crown of thorns, and nails driven through his hands and feet. It’s where all that cross imagery associated with Christianity comes from. Every Church has one, proudly displayed to remind all what Jesus did for us.
But, uh, what is that exactly? What does being up on that cross mean? If you’d never heard the Jesus story before this episode? You’d be confused as hell!
Why
did Jesus cry out, more or less, “God, why did you leave me on read, bro????” Once again, AIO doesn’t bother to set this up. They know you know it already and if you don’t? Uh, maybe read the Bible?!?!?!!?! Oh my GOD, he doesn’t even know why Jesus had to DIE?! Pathetic!!!!
I knew
Why
The Passion of the Christ wasn’t the first time I’d had this story inflicted on me in a visceral and upsetting way.
How can it be
Oh, that this God would love me
2000. Christian Summer Camp.
My feet hit the floor as the final song of the daily assembly finished, Jumping in the House of God by The World Wide Message Tribe and Friends. All the kids were hyped up for the Lord but the best was yet to come. The skit!!! Every assembly would end with one. Always comedic, overacted, heavy reliance on slapstick, and ending with a Biblical lesson and prayer. There’d be recurring bits, characters, and if the Worship Team was feeling really adventurous? STORYLINES. I’d loved them ever since I started going to the camp as a little kid. In Junior Assembly the skits were more juvenile and filled with sock puppets but now I was old enough to attend main assembly, where real stories got told.
Today was different though. The room was packed with all the kids at the summer camp, main and junior assembly’s combined. Barely enough room to sit down on the carpeted floor, legs crossed. The lights dimmed as a projector screen lowered. The famous end of summer video skit, with the actors running about the camp getting into “cinematic” versions of their usual antics. The bits would reach their comedic high points. Storylines would come to a thrilling climax. The junior and main assembly characters would team-up! This was our Avengers: Endgame.
The video would end with the actors walking towards the assembly room and, in the highest form of art I’d yet witnessed, the real-life actors would walk into the assembly room at the same time!!! There they’d get the final lesson of the summer delivered by the camp director. He’d tell them they’d now get to watch a story. Whoa, characters in a fictional story would get to watch a story themselves?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Is this babies first high art?!
This wouldn’t just be any story though. It was the greatest story of all.
And thus began… THE PASSION PLAY.
Fun and games were done. No more singing. No more dancing. No more laughing. The usual bright lights were gone. Replaced by an ominous red glow. A voice boomed from the sound system, enveloping us all.
“This is the story of how Jesus died.”
The kids were made to part down the middle of the room. Forced to squeeze even closer together. The skit team, now clad in robes, solemnly marched to the stage. The voice boomed out the Crucifixion story. All the same beats covered by AIO were faithfully reproduced, skit team miming the actions.
I got to watch the funniest actors I’d ever seen now tearfully act out whipping Jesus and driving nails through his hands and feet. Blood gushing from his body. The actor playing Jesus writhed in pain. Was he even acting? Was he somehow feeling pain from his fellow actors pantomime?
I watched, frozen stiff. I wanted to look away. I wanted the fun skit to return. There was nowhere to go. My body pressed against the other kids. Some cried as “Jesus” was lifted up onto the cross. Jesus, the guy we’d pray to at the end of assembly’s to have the best and most fun day at camp ever. I had to watch him be killed.
Why?
why?
Why
did I have to watch them brutally act out a murder?
WHY?!
“He did this for us. He did this for you,” the voice boomed.
Why?
What kinda king would empty himself?
What kinda king would give it all away?
To love me?
I must know, I must know this love.
AIO’s audio format at least means we don’t have to see Jesus up in pain on that cross but we’re still forced to hear Digger’s horrified reaction. His grief at watching his “friend” die in such a violent way. This child’s pain is worth it though. We need to be reminded, constantly, in every format imaginable, how Jesus died.
Why?
No time to answer that! Jesus’ death causes a fucking EARTHQUAKE.
Random Person: “It’s an earthquake!”
-horrifying sounds of an earthquake swallowing the populace. People scream in terror -
Guard: “Surely this man, was the son of God.”
Chris: “Adventures in Odyssey will continue in just a moment.”⁹
Did Jesus make that earthquake happen? Did God?! Is this what finally confirmed his holy status to the guard? Who cares, Whit’s gotta get his child torturing in.
Digger cries, alone in a dark void, traumatized by everything he’s witnessed. Whit’s disembodied voice reassures him it’s all right. The story doesn’t end here. Digger isn’t sure if he wants to see it. Whit doesn’t care. “You have to trust me, Digger,” he commands, before hurtling the boy to several days later. We get a quick recap of Jesus’ burial and resurrection before coming to what the AIO writers really want to give some time to. The Doubting Thomas part of the story, where one of Jesus’ disciples refuses to believe their master has come back from the dead. Of course, Thomas wasn’t introduced at all until now. No need to set up why he specifically would doubt more than the others.
Thomas just wants some concrete proof. Of course we, the audience, have already been told Jesus is alive. When Jesus appears Thomas may as well say, “he’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Bet,” Jesus Holes Out Christ says as he holds out his hands for Thomas to feel the nail marks in his flesh.
Jesus: “Stop doubting, Thomas, and believe.”
Thomas: “My Lord, and my God.”
Jesus: “Oh, my dear little child. You believe because you’ve seen. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet still believe.”¹⁰
I hate this.
I’ve always hated this. The most popular interpretation of this has been that Thomas should have believed in Jesus’ resurrection powers, rather than want proof. No doubt ever. Just believe unquestioningly. Boy, don’t know how that could be weaponized across history for nefarious purposes!
Don’t doubt that it is our Manifest Destiny to conquer all of America, no matter those pesky indigenous people in the way. Don’t doubt that homosexuals are evil, just murder them. Don’t doubt that Donald Trump is really a Good Christian Man(TM), in spite of all the evidence.
Don’t doubt that exposure to all this violent imagery of a man’s brutal crucifixion from your earliest moments is anything but a blessing.
Don’t doubt the purity of Jesus’ action here, even though dying when he knew he’d be resurrected takes away the power of his sacrifice.
Don’t doubt miracles like this happen every day even if you’ve never seen one.
Don’t doubt in Jesus even though you’ve never heard or seen him.
Don’t doubt that this story is 100% true, as Whit claims, and not a story passed down through generations that’s been morphed and twisted over time.
You don’t want to be like Thomas, do you?
Fuck you, I’m gonna.
Why was it, supposedly, so bad for Thomas to doubt Jesus had risen? Yeah, he’d seen some miracles performed by the guy but after the traumatic event of watching his savior get killed?! I don’t blame the guy for being a little skeptical. Why not have some proof? What does it hurt? What does Jesus get out of supposedly blind faith? Does he need enough faith power to get his God juice up enough for Sky Daddy to finally acknowledge him? Does he need enough believers to follow him without question to 100% the video game called Mankind and get another Xbox Achievement to raise his Gamerscore?
If Jesus is all powerful he should be fine with a little doubt. What, do his feeling get hurt if the lowly humans have a question or two? Oh, uwu I’m just a wittle savior, you wouldn’t doubt a wittle savior, not on his birfday would you? Is Jesus up there in heaven now, pissed as fuck, ready to rage quit on humanity, because I, Shamus ‘Shot a Video For His Friends Wedding at the VR Troopers Temple’ Kelley, hate that I was subjected to the crucifixion story over and over again in my life? Would he really be in a worse place if I hadn’t been forced to sit through The Passion of the Fucking Christ at 13? Would the universe collapse if I was just allowed or, damn, encouraged to ask
Why?
What’s even worse is the phrase “Doubting Thomas” isn’t even in the Bible!!! Nor does Jesus imply that, because Thomas had a moment of doubt, he was on the shit list for the rest of eternity. That’s something Christians decided was true, Bible be damned. Yeah, we know you actually read the Bible like we told you but you read it wrong, idiot. Just listen to what we have to say. Don’t question how we tell this story for Adventures in Odyssey. It’s moving, it’s powerful, it’s one of the best fucking things we’ve ever done. It’s so good we remade it 20 years later as part of our big 50th album collection! This shit is classic.
This, supposed, classic finishes not with Jesus yeeting himself into heaven but Digger back in the void. It’s only there he finally gets to talk with Jesus. Or, well, Jesus talks at him.
Jesus: “Will you now also believe?”
Digger: “Jesus, I-”
Jesus: “Believe in me, Digger. Believe.”
Digger: “Jesus? Jesus! I do believe! I do believe in you, Jesus!”¹¹
No questions for holodeck Jesus. Just believe. Don’t talk. Believe. No back and forth. Believe.
Why?
Jesus won’t say. Just believe. Don’t doubt. Believe.
Digger finally leaves the Imagination Station and Whit, overjoyed at having traumatized a child into a Jesus-stan, instructs him to tell the whole world about it. No pressure, kid. Presumably Digger does the actual “give yourself to God” prayer thing that, for whatever reason, is required in this whole “get saved” ritual, right after.
Narrator Chris closes the whole thing out with the promise that, “it’s just the beginning of a still greater adventure for Digger and for us. An adventure that goes on forever and ever, where each minute is better than the one before.”
I know she’s talking about heaven and that believing in Jesus gets you into heaven, but you’d be forgiven for assuming that believing in Jesus will make everything in your life better. Every minute is gonna get better and better! Don’t doubt that! If it isn’t, you need to believe harder. Maybe if you donate 10% of your income to the Church, or Focus on the Family, that’ll bring this mythical world where each minute rocks harder than the one before. In fact, why not donate 20% of that income? You know, just to be sure.
Yet through all that, the entire two-parter about the glory of Jesus, AIO never laid out
Why
I need to believe in Jesus. You just have to. Because… Doubt is… Bad????? Just sit through some trauma inducing violence. Once you’ve been thoroughly emotionally devastated you get hit with a heavenly way to make all those bad feelings go away. As long as you believe, of course. You weren’t thinking of not believing, were you?
This is a bad pitch, guys! AIO gets 40 minutes, way longer than any street preacher gets, and still can’t answer the most important question about
Why
You should give your life to Jesus. To get that answer we, for some baffling reason have to listen to a totally different episode of AIO, A Worker Approved.
Recurring kid character Robyn Jacobs explains to her school class how it felt when she accepted Jesus into her heart, “I knew I was saved and that I would live forever with Jesus and that’s why I’m a Christian.” When asked to elaborate by fellow recurring kid character Oscar, she explains that when Jesus died, “his blood took away all the sins in my life… Sin didn’t have any power over me anymore.” Robyn, annoyed, asks Oscar if he understands. His answer speaks for us all.
“Not really.”
For this immoral sin the whole class laughs at him. Questioning, Oscar? Why can’t you just accept it? Saying, with no context, that Jesus’ actual Hawaiian Punch blood took away your sins is so easy to grasp!
Oscar, undeterred, lets the ridicule about Jesus’ Food Lion Brand Hawaiian Punch blood slide so he can ask Robyn the real question.
Oscar: “Why did Jesus have to die?”
Robyn’s Friend: “Oh, Oscar.”
Oscar: “What?”
Robyn’s Friend: “Why do you have to make fun of her for?”
Oscar: “Make fun?”
Robyn: “Yeah, make fun, that’s all you know how to do, isn’t it?”¹²
This is what you get for asking questions, dirty secular. Scorn. Derision.
But Oscar refuses to back down. Jesus’ death took away all the sins in our lives, yes, but couldn’t he have done that without dying? A damn good point. All Robyn can offer up is, “That’s not how it works.” Oscar presses her,
“Why?”
Robyn loses it and shuts down the conversation with, “(As a) Christian, there are some things that you just can’t explain. You have to take them by faith.”
Shut up, Oscar. Shut your faithless mouth. Believe without questioning!
Oscar, unafraid of the wrath of God, takes this question to his biggest servant in Odyssey. Whit.
The kids interrupt Whit doing some good ol’ indoctrination to Connie. Normally an interruption would warrant a Dobson soul blast out of eternity but Whit senses he’ll get to indulge in one of his favorite pastimes. Scolding children.
Robyn gets the full brunt of it for her attempt to answer Oscar’s questions. Um, actually, it can be answered with more than, “take it on faith, you worm.”
Really now? Okay. Good. Finally! I mean, as much as I digged on them, I don’t blame Robyn for her answers. She’s a child and, if she became a Christian without learning why Jesus had to die? If she felt like she could never question it? That’s a problem with the system. But hey, at least we’re finally going to get a real answer. Whit forces Connie to explain, salivating at the punishment he’ll inflict on her if she screws up a single syllable.
Connie: “Sin separates us from God.”
Oscar: “You mean, because we’ve sinned we- We can’t be with God?!”
Connie: “That’s right. But that’s not all. Sin not only separates us from God but it also condemns us to death!”
Oscar: “Death?!”
Connie: “Romans 6:23, ‘for the wages of sin is death.’”
Oscar: “I don’t want that to happen!”
Connie: “Well, God doesn’t want it to happen either. But somebody had to take the punishment for our sins.”
Oscar: “Jesus?”
Connie: “Right! And that’s the good part. Romans 5:8 says, ‘but God demonstrates his own love for us in this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.’ And 2nd Corinthians 5:21 says, ‘God made him who had no sin, to be sin for us. So that in him we may become the righteousness of God.’ See, Oscar? That’s why Jesus had to die. He paid the penalty for our sins. He died in our place and rose from the dead so that we could have eternal life with God.”¹³
Oscar’s finally satisfied but not me! Let’s try and walk through this explanation, augmenting it with what we learned in The Imagination Station.
Before God sent his son, Jesus, down to Earth? No one got into heaven because if you sinned even once? You got put to death. Old school style. Just struck dead, I guess. The clean-up crews must have been pulling overtime with all those corpses! But God loved us so much, even as he killed the shit out of us for sinning, he wanted to give humanity a chance. Instead of, uh, being a little lighter on the whole “kill you for thinking about a titty,.” So he sends his son, Jesus Hi-C Ecto Cooler Christ, to Earth. Within Jesus’ ripped-ass six-pack body, God placed special sin-taking blood (which grants +5 holy magic to all spells) that, when spilled, would absolve us of sins. That would mean, uh, you wouldn’t get instantly struck down if you sinned? Maybe there’s a three-strike rule or something? But yeah, as long as you believe in Jesus and what he did for us (without asking us, mind you) you get to go full Party Rockers in the Clouds Tonight with Daddy God.
But if you don’t believe, no matter how much you do or don’t sin? YOU DIE when you… Die?!
Simple, right?
Look, I know the Bible, and everything Connie says here, shouldn’t be taken literally. I know when she says “death” she really means “go to hell.” I know that reasonable Christians openly admit the Bible is meant to be interpreted and not be used as a literal history textbook. But AIO is not made by reasonable Christians (remember, Whit said the Bible is all true) so it ends up a confusing mess, seemingly designed to keep non-believers at arms length and believers locked in a system of isolating compliance.
When Robyn can’t understand why she wasn’t able to provide as good an answer to Oscar as Connie did, Whit rebukes the shit out of her.
Whit: “Robyn, didn’t you use bible verses when you tried to answer Oscar?”
Robyn: “Um… No?”
Whit: “Why not?”
Robyn: “I didn’t think I needed ‘em. I mean, before when anyone asked me about God, they just kinda took my word for it.”
Whit: “Robyn.”
Robyn: “Well, I don’t wanna be a minister or anything, Mr. Whittaker. I just wanna tell people about why I love Jesus.”
Whit: “And that’s a good thing but people like Oscar want and need to know more and that involves a bit of Bible study.”¹⁴
How dare you, elementary school child, not be able to cite Bible verses off the top of your head. You might be the reason Oscar’s put to DEATH when he… DIES. Now I’ll watch you humiliate yourself for the whole episode as punishment. Heh heh. All according to God’s Keikaku.*
*Translator’s Note: God’s Keikaku means God’s Plan.
Christ. AIO can’t even teach about why you should believe in Jesus without being condescending as fuck. Let’s not frame the reason why you should accept the love of Jesus into your heart in a positive, warm light. Let’s not even do it in the episode that portrays Jesus’ death! That’d be fucking stupid. Let’s just toss it into an episode that teaches eight year old’s they better study up on ancient religious texts. OR ELSE
(Yes, I’m aware that in the running order A Worked Approved aired before The Imagination Station but there’s no guarantee you’d hear them in that order or that you’d catch both episodes. Even if you did you’ve still got to deal with, you know, listening to them.)
But even that “answer” about
Why
Jesus had to die isn’t the slam dunk AIO pretends it is. It only leads to more questions.
Why is accepting Jesus into your heart the only way to get to heaven? If Jesus died to take away all our sins, that means we can sin and God will still love us, right? AWESOME, time to stash some money in off-shore bank accounts! Oh wait, no, sinning is still bad… BUT if you believe in Jesus it’s all washed away? So I just believe in Jesus and then I can sin all I want and still go to heaven? Well, no, God still doesn’t like sin. You need to ask God for forgiveness every single time you sin or you’re going to jeopardize your chance of getting to Party Rock in God’s Big House Tonight. Being a Christian really does make each minute better than the one before. Get on board the Jesus train!
Why does belief have all these caveats?
The “answer” Connie provided still has massive holes in it. Couldn’t God have found another way to take away all sin? Isn’t he, uh, GOD?! He created us all! But oh, right, that sinful female, Eve, took a bit out an apple and thus humanity’s fucked for eternity! One bitten apple means God must make an equivalent exchange of dead son to balance it all out? WHAT ARE WE DOING?!
Maybe Jesus spent too much time watching VR Troopers and God got sick of the haphazard splicing of the Japanese footage from Choujinki Metalder and Jikuu Senshi Spielban and was like, “fuck this, you’re going to die on Earth. Daddy needs alone time.”
That’s the thing. Christians will have something resembling answers to your questions… For awhile. They’ve got their apologetics. Until those run out, which they always will. Then they’ll be right back at the same place Robyn started from. The same place Jesus demands Digger meet him at.
“Just take it by faith.”
Believe.
You just have to get it, non-believer. We already do! How?
WHY
‘Cause we have to under punishment of death/hell. By the way, hell is incredibly real and there is a hot-ass demon waiting to explain why Big Bad Beetleborgs is more entertaining than VR Troopers for eternity. (Truly blasphemy.)
That, or we were emotionally manipulated into belief from an early age in part because of a traumatizing story we’re all forced to endure!
Jesus
It's Your love
Jesus
Jesus is important because he died for you in the most confusing way possible. If you question it you’re told to shut up by AIO and Focus on the Family. Jesus dying was the ultimate expression of love!! His death gave us a chance to be in heaven with GOD! I ask
Why
did God need to do that?
Why
did God put rules on eternity? If he loves us SO much, why not extend that love to all? Does Satan get pissy if God automatically gets all the souls and God feels bad about it because he and Satan had a fling in college and he still kinda wants Satan to call him back so he sends all the dirty non-believing souls to him? (This is why Satan doesn’t call you back, God.)
The kinds of Christians that make AIO don’t care about your questions of even if you genuinely believe in God or Jesus. They just want to hear the right things. They want to know they “saved your soul” by getting you to accept Christ. That lets them feel good about themselves and justifies any action they take to get you there!
It doesn’t matter that they interrupt your summer camp fun with a violent stage show. It doesn’t matter that they force you to watch torture porn. It doesn’t matter that they even tell the story in an understandable way. All that matters is they do. That’ll be enough to get them into heaven, right?
Christians are scared into belief. Scared because of the manipulation of the horrifying crucifixion story they’re forced to experience in every format imaginable. Books, comics, TV shows, theater, movies, audio drama, stained glass, bumper stickers, and so many, many, many more. You’re just pelted with it over and over and over again. It breaks you down. Never lets you forget the supposed reason
Why
you believe. He went through this for your sin.
Christians are guilted into belief. Guilted because you must be grateful Jesus did this for you. He’s so much better than you because he died for you. You owe it to him and his Daddy that they even gave you the chance to go to heaven. You need to grovel at their feet every moment of the day for that. But since you can’t literally do that because Jesus isn’t physically on Earth anymore (don’t you dare doubt why he doesn’t show himself) you better go to Church and do it. Listen to our every command, no matter how sinful they may seem. We can justify anything with the Bible, and you can’t go against that! That’d be doubt. You can’t doubt. Doubt is sin.
For as much as Jesus is portrayed as the most loving man to ever live? He was never that to me. One could even say-
There was no love. Jesus was an authority figure. One that, because of the ubiquity of his story, was in my head at all times.
“Why are you sinning? You know I died to save you from that, right?”
“Why aren’t you reading the Bible? That’s my father’s word. He sent me to Earth to die for your sorry ass.”
“Why don’t you go to Youth Group? You need to spend more time with friends who won’t ask questions about why you believe in me.”
“Why are you asking questions? Was my death not enough for you?”
Why
don’t you believe in me?”
It didn’t matter he never actually said those words. The way his story was shared made it so that they may as well have been.
My heart would sing Your name
Sing Jesus
Yes, Lord
15 episodes later Digger makes final worthwhile appearance in Heatwave. Since becoming a Christian, Digger’s spent all his time with Whit. The sick fuck has been teaching him to, “use my imagination properly.”
What does that mean? Digger’s isolated himself from the other kids in Odyssey and plays in the woods. Alone. Less chance to sin that way, I guess.
Narrator Chris ends the episode with the lesson that “(God) wants us to use (our imagination) but he also wants us to control it and not let it control us.”
That’s what Digger gets for believing in Jesus. A vise-grip on his mind, body, and soul. Of course he needs to control his thoughts. Otherwise he might get ideas in his head. Doubt. We can’t have that. We can’t have him ever ask
why?
Next Time: AIO’s big bad appears. Somehow it isn’t Whit.
Note: Friendly reminder to all the readers, I have a Patreon where you can support the show! You can either pledge $1 a month or simply sign up for free to get reminders of when the blog updates in your email. I’ve also posted some exclusive mini essays, rambles, and other little tidbits there as well.
Sources:
“The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version” Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990.
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Phil Lollar from Adventures in Odyssey Xirtus Interview by YouTuber Andreas Xirtus, 2019.
(3)
The Imagination Station Parts 1 & 2: Written and Directed by Phil Lollar and Paul McCusker, Production Engineers Bob Luttrell and Dave Arnold, Focus on the Family, 1989.
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(11)
Mange Messiah: Written by Hidenori Kumai, Art by Kazumi Shinozawa, NEXT, 2006.
(6) Page 131
A Worker Approved: Written and Directed by Phil Lollar, Production Engineer Bob Luttrell, Focus on the Family, 1989.
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