At My Whit’s End: How We Accepted Jesus For the Wrong Reasons
(Connie’s soul reaches from the shadow realm to save teen Shamus. Art by Gary Locke, Focus on the Family.)
I didn’t “properly” accept Jesus into my heart until I was 15 years old.
For those that aren’t aware, certain Christians make a huge deal out of how to be a “real” Christian. You can’t just be a good person, read the Bible, or listen to Adventures in Odyssey every day of your life and be considered a REAL Christian. No, you need to accept God into your heart.
What that entails varies from Christian to Christian but it usually entails praying to God or Jesus (whoever isn’t currently striking down the gays at that moment, I guess) and asking Him to come into your heart. To profess to Him that you will always believe in his word. Only then will you become a “real” Christian. Whatever that means. Don’t ask questions, didn’t you learn anything from the last blog?
I had grown up in the church, attended Sunday school every week, and went to a Christian summer camp every single year since before I could remember, but at 15 I still hadn’t popped the big question to God. Will you come inside me? Like other times I’ve asked that question in my life, I wasn’t quite ready for what it entailed but I did know I had to get on my knees.
When this project began I had a lot of respect for Adventures in Odyssey. I knew it wasn’t perfect, but I had defended it as one of the rare good pieces of Christian kids media for years. Throughout the early blogs I spoke to the seeds of potential on display, even as its earliest proto-pilot left me baffled. I theorized the show was at war with itself, that if only Dobson weren’t in charge the morals wouldn’t be so troubling. A show that lived up to my childhood memories. Childhood memories that told me, “no, this show, despite how odd and hard to describe it is, ruled!”
Then the last 50+ episodes happened. Episodes that, on the whole, were a minefield of dog whistles, sexism, gaslighting, detestable morals, and a creeping realization that the heart of AIO is rotten. A few stories stood out but most of that was down to the actors, sound designers, and Susan McBride, the only writer who had any consistent ability to make this show work.
It was really “Promises, Promises” that began my slow descent into madness. Everything in Family Portraits and earlier could be chalked up to growing pains but that episode? With its message that we’re all evil deep down? It broke me. I ranted to loved ones about how it seriously made me consider dropping this project entirely if this was one of AIO’s core messages. But I pressed on, desperate to prove there was something here
Glimmers appeared. “Recollections” spoke to the show taking up the format of a soap opera instead of pile-driving lessons into kids’ brains. “Harley Takes the Case” (aka Harley Takes the L) almost made the titular character work before veering off into “shut up and listen to your parents, youths.”
But the more I listened the more I stopped giving the show credit and benefit of the doubt. Instead I began to suspect every episode of foul play. From giving the child beating two-parter grace for how it portrayed a woman as being in the right against her abuser to “Karen,” where I blasted the show for how it wielded a young girl with cancer as a weapon against the mental health of every child listening.
Which brings us to…
Episodes 51-52: Connie Parts 1 and 2
Connie finally returns to California but will she fall back in with her old friends ways, or has her time in Odyssey permanently changed her?
This is the big one. The story line for the first full year of AIO. Connie going from filthy Californian to one of God’s chosen. If I still believed in the show like I did when I started? This would have been a real do-or-die moment. Could AIO could stick the landing on its first major story arc? If it could, perhaps Connie wouldn’t the only one finding redemption. AIO itself would find a new path forward.
But we already know that isn’t going to happen here. Connie’s “arc,” got off to a bad start and never recovered. Theoretically, 50-ish episodes should have been enough time to develop the arc, slowly leading Connie on a journey where her wanting to become a Christian made sense. The problem is that she’s only had major roles in about 10 of the first 50 episodes and, charitably, four of them have directly dealt with her (lack of) faith. Much of them were clustered in the last batch we looked at and, well, they make a better case for Connie, at best, tolerating Odyssey and the Christians within it.
With so little done to build this arc up, these episodes were doomed to fail.
It was in the summer of 2006(?) when I finally became a Christian. It stand out in my memory as the only time I’ve ever felt “moved” by God. It was at Christian summer camp during a praise and worship service. As acoustic guitars were strummed attendees were invited to the stage to lay their hearts out to the prayer team. I’d never done anything like that before but something within me told me it was time. I got on my knees and prayed with a camp counselor I didn’t even know and asked God into my heart. After so many years God had won and I had come into his kingdom.
Joy and elation washed over me. Finally, I would know God! I would serve him! Dedicate my life to his work! My counselors were thrilled. Ene specifically told me to get a Bible and read it. No problem, I’d had one since elementary school.
This was a night I’d never forget. I knew it was special, so special that in my Bible I saved the camp schedule from that week. The day I accepted Jesus circled on it.
What do you think is a natural response for a boss to have when, after a year of a teenage employee excitedly talking about visiting her home in Los Angeles, she’s finally get the opportunity to do so? Is it,
A) Be the best boss ever. Do everything in your power to give her the time off because you know it’ll be good for her mental health and you are obligated to give her vacation time.
B) The regular boss move. Be happy for her but don’t allow her any more vacation than she is legally required to have.
C) Go full freak mode. Respond with horror, deadass openly consider not letting her go, and once you do finally let her go you openly plan to hire a replacement.
Since we’re talking about Whit here, you know that guy goes beyond freak mode. He goes SICKO mode.
Connie: “I'll leave this weekend, I can’t believe it!”
Whit: “Now meanwhile I'm going to put up a help wanted sign for someone to take your place.”
Connie: “Take my place?”
Whit: “I need help while you're gone. What with the holiday rush and all.”
Connie: “But... You're going to replace me?”
Whit: “Heh heh. That'll be up to you, Connie.”¹
Friendships between a boss/mentor-figure and a younger person could be healthy but this? Whit’s temper tantrum is wildly inappropriate for someone who’s positioned himself a friend/father-figure. “Oh yeah, I’m your best friend, until you do something I don’t lik/! Then I’ll just rip your job away from you. Teehee, don’t go too secular in California or you won’t have a job when you come back!”
Whit’s horrified at not having Connie under his full control. He thought he’d already brought her into his cult, errr, faith, by “Stormy Weather” and says as much to Tom as the two recall the events of that episode. Why yes, this two-parter isn’t just the finale of a year long story arc, it’s also a clip show!
(It’s hilarious how the creative team tries to talk up using flashbacks as some kind of highbrow dramatic tool when it’s just a cheap way to cut down on recording and production time. The minuscule number of episodes they use for this clip show also inadvertently demonstrates how little work they’d put into this plotline. Why did I ever give these guys credit?)
Whit attributes Connie’s “restlessness” to Karen dying which makes no sense. The events of “Karen” are brought up multiple times in this two-parter yet Connie had one scene of note in that episode! It wasn’t about her, it was about Donna! Yes, seeing a kid you know die will impact anyone, but tying that into her desire to go back to California? A want she’s had since her first appearance? It’s a stretch. It more comes off as, with it being the most recently aired episode before this, the easiest one for the writers to remember.
Whit’s “concerned” that Connie returning to California will expose her to “those old friends, those old influences” and could, “undo all the progress we’ve made over the past few months.” This man’s not beating the freak allegations anytime soon, huh? Thankfully Tom, once again in this show, is the voice of reason. He counters Whit’s worrying with the idea that Connie going to California could affirm all the progress they’ve made with her, not rip it away. No matter what though-
Tom: “That’s God’s business, isn’t it?”
Whit: “Yes… Yes…”²
The way Hal Smith delivers that line makes it sound like Whit’s considering if he knows better than God. Of course this doesn’t go anywhere but man, Whit continues to have all the makings of a villain in a horror-thriller about men using faith as an excuse to torture the minds and souls of women. Or as women in the church call it, REAL LIFE.
God may not be pleased with Whit’s treacherous thoughts but he still shows appreciation for all the work Whit’s done in feeding Connie’s soul through the meat grinder. He brings him a little gift in form of Eugene Meltsner (played by Will Ryan), a genius college student who applies for Connie’s position. A college student who will work for class credits instead of money. Cha-ching!
(Whit can barely contain his excitement at the thought of roasting Eugene’s soul over an open fire. Art by Bruce Day, Focus on the Family. Image courtesy of The Odyssey Scoop.)
Whit: “Well, welcome to Whit’s End, Eugene.”
Eugene: “Whit’s End… Is that a pun?”
Whit: “Well… Sort of.”
Eugene: “I hate puns.”
Whit and Tom: “Oh.”³
It may not be a female but this intellectual will do nicely to satiate Whit’s soul-lust.
Meanwhile, Connie packs for Los Angeles and explains to her mom, June, why Odyssey hasn’t sat right with her over the past year.
Connie: “There are things I like about Odyssey. Some of the people here. But it's not me, you know? I feel... Stifled here. Like I've gotten buried deep inside myself and I'm going to explode if I don't get out.”⁴
Yeah, I bet! Whit and company have done all they can to shove Connie’s real self down and replace her with what they think is a good person. This hasn’t passed Connie’s notice either and she’s done with it.
Connie: “They sneak Bible verses in and drop all these hints that I should become a Christian. They don't think I notice because I try to ignore it.”
June: “But you don’t?”
Connie: “No, I hear it. I know what they're trying to do. They're trying to make me accept Jesus or however they say it. But it's not me. It's not who I am. You see, in California, they don't care. I can be free out there. I can be whoever I want to be.”⁵
Yeah, that’s pretty annoying! Whit and company sound like the worst kinds of Christians to be around. The ones who dearly believe they’re saving your soul but in the process just come off as stuck-up assholes who see you as lesser for not believing. That place of superiority contributes to the “by any means necessary” attitude Whit has toward Connie’s salvation. Connie resents this attitude and just wants to be who she is even if, she admits, she isn’t quite sure who that is yet. But she knows it isn’t whatever Whit and company are selling with all the Jesus talk.
It’s Connie saying, “I've gotten buried deep inside myself and I'm going to explode if I don't get out (of Odyssey)” that really raises the red flags. No matter how much Whit preaches the love of God, Connie’s feeling anything but. His words and actions are so forceful yet anytime she expresses her gut feeling of danger? Everyone shames her for it. This girl is TELLING YOU she’s in trouble but no one really cares to find out why. No wonder she wants to get away from Odyssey.
Whit refuses to let Connie leave without him being present, cheerfully reminding her to think about all conversations they’ve had where he gaslit the hell out of her. Connie flippantly responds with, “Maybe if I’ve got time.” THAT’S RIGHT GIRL, KICK HIS ASS. He gives her a Christmas present that turns out to be, of course, a Bible. As the bus pulls away, Whit acts as though Connie’s taken her first step into hell.
(File this under: “Images that go hard.”)
My new relationship with God lasted about as long as my high school romances.*
Passionate at first. Reading the Bible, praying every night, and openly sharing I was Christian with secular friends. And, let me tell you, I didn’t have a single person give me shit for liking God. Probably because I wasn’t going full Whit or anything (no teen girls sent to the shadow realm.) I even got the fabled “you’re not like other Christians” compliment from one of my closest friends. I was a credit to Christianity!
But maybe that’s because the honeymoon phase quickly ended and my faith was… Just kinda there. I abandoned reading the Bible after I got about a fourth of the way through it. I started from page 1 and tried to get to the end. I got bored! According to some Christians this isn’t the “correct” way to read the Bible because of COURSE, why would reading the book they throw in your face to convert you make sense?
As time went on nothing about my new faith made sense. There were too many contradictions in the Word and especially in God’s followers. To put it bluntly, most of the fellow teens who attended my Church were asshole preps who had no time for my Stargate quoting. Indeed, many of the Christians I knew were more fucked up than secular people.
Whenever I had difficult questions I’d get brushed aside with the usual, “pray about it” or “God works in mysterious ways.” As part of my confirmation in the church (basically where you become an official member) I got to speak to my pastor and asked him, “what if someone was born on a desert island with no access to the Bible or the word of God? Would they go to hell?”
The pastor stared at me, chuckled, and answered, “God would find a way. A Bible could wash up on the shore!”
Bullshit. Fucking bullshit.
I didn’t even need to get into the “why does God let natural disasters kill tens of thousands of people” question! Mostly because a realization had sprung up within me which rocked the very foundations of my faith.
I wasn’t straight.
*Six days, six months, and nine months. Not bad!
During a run-in on the bus with yet another farcical secular teen, who mocks Connie for holding a Bible (she’s wasn’t even reading it!), Connie recounts the “we’re all evil” speech Whit gave in “Promises, Promises.” She wonders aloud if it makes sense and the teen shrugs her shoulders, answering, “not to me.”
In working on At My Whit’s End I’ve lost count how many times I’ve shared with friends moments from AIO that I thought had some merit but were almost all shot down with variations of, “uhhhhh, no????” It’s jaw-dropping how the beliefs and actions that Evangelical people are raised in (or become adapted to) seem to make some kind of sense within that system but the moment you step outside of it? Crumbles like a house of cards. No wonder there’s such a strong focus on “belief” aka “don’t ask questions.” Anything can make sense as long as you never question it. No wonder Whit snapped at Connie using horoscopes back in the episode “Gotcha!”
Whit: “But I'm not going to just stand idly by and let you introduce the kids that come in here to the occult.”
Connie: “The occult? What are you talking about? All I did was just read a few horoscopes.”
Whit: “Connie, what do you think the occult is? Astrology, fortune telling, palm reading, good luck charms. They're all a part of it.”
Connie: “Wait a minute. I admit, I don't know how I feel about God, but I'm sure not into any of that stuff.”
Whit: “Then why were you reading horoscopes to these kids? Why did you give Philo a rabbit's foot?”
Connie: “I don't know! Please, Mr. Whittaker, you've got to believe me. I'd never do anything to hurt these kids. Look, this is a place where you discover things, right? I mean, you're always coming up with something new. I just thought this might be interesting, that's all. I thought it was harmless.”
Whit: “That's the way it works, Connie. It sneaks up on you under the guise of fun. Only that kind of fun comes with a very large price tag. But you have to be more careful. These kids are like sponges. They're ready to soak up whatever we give. From now on, I want you to come and talk to me first about any new idea you want to present to them. Okay?”
Connie: “Okay. It's just that the horoscopes are so easy to find. I mean, look, they're in the paper every day.”
Whit: “So they are.”
Connie: “But don't worry, I'm not going to read them any more.”
Whit: “Good.”
Connie: “And Whit?”
Whit: “Yes?”
Connie: “Thanks.”
Whit: -cheerily- “You’re welcome.”⁶
ANY system that gives you a different perspective on the world is WRONG because it invites doubt, something the Evangelical version of Christianity refuses to allow in. Connie casually sharing horoscopes with children being morphed by Whit into putting them in DANGER from the OCCULT shows just how weak this belief system really is. Instead of engaging with questions and doubt it instead just abuses you into compliance by any means necessary. It’s honestly-
(Funny they don’t flashback to this one in “Connie,” huh?)
With the kinds of unhinged actions Whit’s inflicted on Connie it’s no wonder that when she sits to next to an older Christian woman on the bus she half-jokingly wonders if Whit had something to do with it. The fact Connie considers this a real possibility says a lot about her subconscious worries that Whit’s trying to control her life. She only jokes about it because she’d rather not consider the horrific implications it were true. It’s Connie’s mind, badly bruised by Whit’s gaslighting, crying out for help in the only way that lets her feel safe.
There’s no quicker way to losing your Christian faith than realizing you’re not straight. The already dubious “love” Christians share (at least in the late 2000s) often melted away the moment gay issues came up. Christian magazines featured interviews with “cured ex-gays.” The spite in their voice as they’d bite out the word, “homosexual.” And, of course, the ubiquity of the phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin” among the same camp counselors who praised me for accepting Jesus.
Where others fell into deep depression at this conflict between their faith and their queerness, I pretty much dumped the faith all together. I remember stumbling upon a clip with Black Flag singer Henry Rollins who, in discussing the topic of gay people’s grievances with the church, simply put, “Why don’t you leave? Why don’t you run and find a God who likes you?”
That was good enough for me. And with that, whatever had made me feel it was “time” to accept Jesus the previous summer was gone.
Yet for years I still hung out in Christian spaces, mostly that same summer camp. I told myself that, for all their bigotry against gay people, they were still decent enough… Right? Amazing how years of conditioning to “Christians are good people” made me look at the obvious bigotry against my queerness and mostly shrug it off. It also helped I inadvertently stumbled on a group of fellow not-straight camp counselors who I spent much of my time with. Mostly talking about Doctor Who, Torchwood, and the existence of furries. What can I say, it was the late 2000s.
Connie’s been in California for a week but things aren’t everything she hoped. Her old friends can smell the Jesus on her (somehow.) One of them, Marcie, delivers the Evangelical wet-dream observation that, “you’ve changed a lot, Connie. I don’t know, you’re just different now… I’m trying to figure it out.” Evangelicals love to spread propaganda that becoming a Christian will instantly make you a different (better) person.
Like Pamela, an old friend of Connie’s who doesn’t hang around with the group anymore. Why?
Marcie: “The last time any of us talked to her she became one of those religious freaks.”
Connie: “You’re kidding.”
Marcie: “No. She goes to church all the time. Man, even if she wanted to hang around, well, everything's God and Jesus now.”
Connie: “Really? Pamela? But she was the wildest one out of all of us. I can't believe it.”
Marcie: “Yeah, well, believe it, Connie. She's gone Christian city.”⁷
Accepting Jesus will turn you from a party-girl (who are all evil, clearly) to a “good girl” just like that. All you have to do is sacrifice everyone you ever knew and only hang around people who talk about Jesus! Very cool and not cult-like at all. But of course Pamela is framed in the story as someone Connie should want to be like. It stresses Pamela’s the better person when Marcie invites Connie to a party in BEVERLY HILLS (basically the portal to hell) where no parents will be around, they’ve got keys to the liquor cabinet, and access to a “stash.” (Which, in my version of this episode would, in a subversion of expectations, turn out to be Grateful Dead bootlegs. Smoke on those, kiddos!)
Back in Odyssey Whit plans to curb stomp Eugene. Business as usual.
By the time I reached college I’d ascended to Omni Pansexualdramon X7F Superior Mode. I devoted all my time to hanging around our LGBT Center’s “Rainbow Lounge.” I stopped working at the Christian summer camp and attending Church. Almost all traces of my faith faded away, with only two lingering thoughts that would occasionally pop up.
1) “If heaven is real, I’m still technically a Christian, so I should make it in. No hell for me!” Years removed from faith I still had that tiny fear of hell in me. A fear Evangelicals love to use when all else fails. You don’t want to spend eternity in the pits of hell, right? You better not think bad thoughts!
2) Anytime I heard a fire or ambulance siren I’d silently pray, “keep them healthy, happy, and safe father God. Amen.” Just in case, you know. It was a knee-jerk reaction, one I wasn’t able to shake until starting At My Whit’s End.
The project that would be my biggest reengagement with Christian faith for over 15 years.
Pamela randomly shows up at Connie’s house in LA and, within moments of reconnecting, notes that Connie’s “changed” since they last met. This sets Connie off.
Pamela: “I was just wondering if-”
Connie: “You were just wondering if I'm a Christian, right? Well, I'm not, Pamela. And don't even think about trying to make me be one. It's a conspiracy!”
Pamela: “What are you talking about?”
Connie: “In Odyssey, on the bus, you. What do you guys do? Call each other and say, ‘Tag! Connie's in your area now, go get her!’”
Pamela: “No, we don't have to.”
Connie: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Pamela: “God loves you, Connie. He's nuts about you, and he wants you to love him back. That’s why it seems like he’s sending people after you.”⁸
Ah, stalking. The ultimate form of love! Why don’t you just date God, Connie? Give him a chance! He’s nuts about you. He wants you. Why aren’t you answering his texts? He sent his friends to tell you about him. C’mon, just get on your knees and let him have his way with you. You’ll like it!
Connie’s right to be suspicious, no matter how far-fetched the idea of a Christian “conspiracy” is made to seem. Like with her “joke” on the bus, it’s her mind’s way of bringing all the hurt, pain, and confusion to the surface after a year of being gaslit about them.
I’ve learned in life that if your mind is screaming “NO!” at you, even if you aren’t 100% sure why, you need to listen. But that’s something Evangelicals teach you to push past. You only listen to God. Not yourself. And by God we of course mean the leaders in power who speak for him. Who else would it be? The actual God? Ohohohohohohoho, you little fool, he doesn’t have time for you. You don’t pray enough. You think bad thoughts. You are going to hell without the help of the Church. Devote yourself to it entirely or you will 100000% go to hell. You don’t want that, right?
Lost in the idea that God is “sending” Christians after Connie is the part her evil secular friends play in all this. Are they part of God’s plan to? Are they part of his “purpose”? Remember, even the “bad things” are part of His plan, as established in “Thank You, God.”
If that’s the case then people like Marcie not believing are part of God’s purpose and thus their lack of faith was needed to put Connie on the path to salvation… But what about their souls? Are they sacrificial lambs so God can slide his big book in Connie’s DMs? Will he get to them later? Does he not care to save them from the bad things that could happen at Marcie’s party? Are they destined to never get into heaven no matter what??? Huh, that’s totally not another way for Evangelicals to abuse certain (minority) groups. There’s no chance for them, so any of our (vile) holy actions are part of God’s purpose, right?
That’s what always pissed me off about the “God has a purpose” idea, even as a kid. I could never understand how we had free will enough to decide between accepting God or spending an eternity in hell (this is always how it was presented) yet anything bad that occurred was part of some grand plan. No wonder so much training in the Church is about burying any cognitive dissonance you feel with, “God works in mysterious ways.”
Pamela invites Connie to a bonfire on the beach later that night, which she claims are “a lot of fun.” Which means they 10000% are not. I must point out that inviting wayward kids to beach parties is the exact tactic used by the parasitic alien Yeerks in the Animorphs book series, as part of their front, “The Sharing,” in order steal bodies to be used as hosts. Which has no similarity to Christianity OR cults!
Of course, Connie doesn’t go to the evil party with the Tattooed Teenage Christian Haters from Beverly Hills. (Coming this fall to the USA Network.) Yet she can’t bring herself to attend Pamela’s party. After a flashback to her chewing out Whit during “Stormy Weather” she comes to the present, crying. She chokes out-
Connie: “Whit, what have you done to me?”
-Extremely sad music plays-⁹
Ah, what a lovely sign that Connie’s being led to a glorious life with the Lord. Breaking down in tears and openly pleading to understand why her boss regularly crosses her boundaries. Praise be to God in his heaven, all’s right with the world.
It’d be impossible to work on At My Whit’s End and not deconstruct aspects of my faith. Not the (lack of) faith I have now but the faith of my youth. Why did I believe the things I did? How did they manifest? How have they stuck with me even as I left faith itself behind? I’ve used Adventures in Odyssey as a way to explore that, letting my reactions to these critical parts of my childhood guide me to long buried thoughts and feelings. It also gave me a great reason to read up on not just the people behind AIO but Evangelicalism as a whole. I’ve learned so much about my past, present, and hopefully future.
But it wasn’t until outlining this post that I really questioned why I wanted to become a Christian. Why was it “time” that specific night to accept Jesus? It’s been almost 20 years and my memories about it aren’t that clear so I have to go off them… Right? For most that would be the case, but I have another source.
A hard drive full of personal writings from my teen years.
Amongst the ancient RealPlayer Power Rangers music videos, high school homework, and dozens of megabytes of Japanese superhero Kamen Rider self-insert fanfiction, I discovered detailed journal entries I wrote when I was 15. Including one from the night I became a Christian. A Word doc with the name “Jetfire Changed Forever.” (Why yes “Jetfire” was the name of my self-insert Kamen Rider fanfic superhero persona.)
Connie stops by the beach bonfire where Pamela reveals the sponsor of her youth group is the same Christian woman Connie met on the bus. This sends Connie into a full breakdown spiral.
Connie: “I don't believe this. This is too weird. I must be going crazy.”
Christian Woman: -laughs- “Either that or coming to your senses. Connie, God will bring people into our lives to show us his love and mercy and lead us to him. You've been fighting it, but it's there all the same.”
Connie: “Well, I’ve been fighting it all right.”
Christian Woman: “Sometimes it's the people who fight the hardest who want it the most.”¹⁰
So... That sounds like someone excusing a serial sexual predator.
“Silly Connie, you aren’t going crazy after being abused. You’re coming to your senses. You like this! The people who’ve hurt you love you so much and they show that love by hurting you! You need it, don’t you know? Why fight it? Accept it. You know you want it. Just give in. Do it for God. He really wants you. He deserves this. He deserves you.”
What else can this teach children listening other than it’s wrong to trust your flight or flight response? That you can’t trust yourself. Anytime you think you feel one way? Nope, wrong. Let someone else tell you how you feel, silly child. It’s insidious. Sinister.
After a flashback to “Connie Part 1” (A clip show that flashes back to itself?! Maybe this is highbrow!!!) Connie’s pressured into accepting Jesus right then and there but turns them down. She wants to go home. Not to her dad’s place in California. She wants to go home… to Odyssey.
Meanwhile, in Odyssey, Whit delights in his first soul reaping of Eugene. Ruthlessly chastising him for automating all the inventions in Whit’s End. Despite admitting earlier in the episode he could have put a stop to it days ago. He demands that Whit’s End needs “human contact, human touch.” Oh, we know, Whit. We know.
*The following has only been edited to remove identifying information. This is almost exactly what I wrote the night I became a Christian, spelling/grammar mistakes and all.
July 5th 2006
...That session I also got reacquainted with my old friend, Ashley. I hadn't talked with her much the last school year so this was a great time to catch up. That session “Trough” (a praise and worship service) rolled around once again and this time decided to go. I didn't expect (it) to be much.
Sitting on the floor I sat in a cross legged position I watched most everyone else sit down on the floor as well. Sitting with guitar over his shoulder a head counselor spook very softly,
"If you need a touch of healing, I ask you to please come forward. If I can have the prayer team come forward."
As he spook those words six or seven moved up to the front of the room, splitting into two groups to sperate sides of the room.
"I encourage you to come forward, because if you need that touch, god can give it to you," The head counselor spoke once again.
Slowly several people walked forward, quietly talking with the prayer team members at the front of the room and some praying eithier praying on the floor or the ground. I looked all around me, another head counselor, was holding his hands up against his head. My activity counselor was crying with two other counslers looking over him. Looking down to my feet I could feel my right foot was extremly numb. Every time I attempted to move it, it shook with pain. As I continued to stare down thoughts began to flood into my head,
"Is this the time? Am I ready? Can I do it later?" Looking up I could just see the back of Ashleys head, sitting next to another guy, sitting as I was. I began to shake, my whole body. Still looking at Ashley she quietly stood up and walked over to one of the members of the (prayer) team.
I didn't know what Ashley was praying for, but I finally decided,
"It's time."
Standing up I walked over to one of the members of the prayer team. Shaking my hand I said,
"I really need Jesus in my life."
"Well I'm very honred to be given this privilge, your name is?"
"Shamus," I answerd.
"Well Shamus lets pray," he told me, both of us bowing our heads and he placing his left arm on my right shoulder. He then procceded to pray to god, thanking him for brining me to him. He then told me,
"Repeat after me Shamus."
"All right," I said, I tear beggining to fall down my cheek. I then repeated everything he said. I don't remember everything he told me to say, but I knew the words told God thatI believed in him and wanted him as my lord and savior. Standing back up straight once again he asked for my name once again, I told him and I walked away, back to my things. teh tear continued to fall down my cheek.
I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and promised that I would now live my life for him and him alone. After this I went to leave when I saw Ashley giving that guy a side hug. Going up to her I hugged her and told her, tears streaming down my face,
"Ashley, thank you for everything, I just accepted Jesus." The kindness Ashley had always showed me had led me bit by bit to that moment, when I decided to accept Jesus.
With that I went home and, opened up my Bible for the first time in years. I had always believed that Jesus had died for my sins but I had never truly accepted him. Why I hadn't I don't know. Maybe I though I didn't need him, or maybe I was afraid I wouldn't be able to anything I wanted to do if I became a Christian. Whatever the reason was, I was Christian right then and I began to truly read my bible for the first time in my life.
Me Reading All This In 2025: …Did… Did I only give my soul to God, my heart to Jesus, and my eternity to heaven... Just so I could give the girl I had a crush on a Christian side hug that leaves a massive amount of room for Jesus?
………….
I BECAME A CHRISTIAN FOR THE SIDE-HUG NOOKIE?!
Just as Whit choke-holds Eugene for his Spanish Inquisition display in the Bible Room, (“I thought some church history would be appropriate there, you see,” Eugene offers as an explanation,) Connie returns. She needs to talk to Whit.
Her journey to California has finally made everything clear for her. She knows who she wants to be now. She wants to be a Christian.
Whit: “Oh, Connie. Connie. You don't know how I’ve prayed to hear you say those words.”
Connie: “Yes I do. I think your prayers made it all the way to California. This might sound kind of weird, but can we get on our knees?”
Whit: “Oh, of course, of course.”¹¹
(So you can take that wod-fam-choc-sod and stick it up your YEAH)
This is supposed to be a beautiful moment. The culmination of a spiritual journey. AIO co-creator Steve Harris recalls that, “I literally found myself in the studio feeling as though a close friend of mine had actually accepted the Lord.”¹²
But you know what I hear? A teenage girl desperate to make the conflicting thoughts and feelings in her mind go away. For the cult-like propaganda she’s been forced to endure, that becoming a Christian will be the most wonderful thing imaginable, to somehow match her reality. Where so-called Christians gaslight her thoughts and emotions to make every action she takes one of deception and evil. To understand why a man, who everyone around her sings the praises of, who tells her how much he loves her, could treat her so badly with such a warm smile on his face. This is too much for someone so young to handle, so she does whatever she can to make it stop.
After all, there’s only two options presented to her.
1) Don’t be a Christian and be a “bad person.”
2) Become a Christian and be a “good person.”
There’s no thought that a non-Christian could be a good person. The first teenager Connie meets on the bus to California says she’s, “basically a good person” without being a Christian but she’s presented as full of herself and on the wrong path, daring to be a teenager who doesn’t want to spend time with an older family member. THE MOST VILE OF SINS.
Being a good person and a Christian, according to this world of Evangelicals and AIO, are inextricably linked. You can’t have one without the other. No matter how “good” you are, there will always be something wrong with your actions if God isn’t behind them. You will always be wrong without God. Your every thought will be wrong. So come here, child, and become a Christian. The ones in power in the church will tell you what God sees as good. If you don’t listen to us, well, we guess you aren’t good enough. Hell’s always waiting, little one, don’t think that just accepting Christ means you have to stop policing your thoughts. Worrying if what you’re doing is sinful.
But that isn’t part of the pitch. Connie and others like her are told becoming a Christian is the most wonderful thing in the world. It’ll solve all your problems. All the fears and doubts will go away. It’ll all make sense.
You’ll be happy.
Just live in the black and white world that we, human beings who supposedly speak for God, decided on. Live by the rules that aren’t as clear as we pretend them to be. Live by fear of not only others but yourself, that any stray thought or outside influence could corrupt your very soul. Live in the arms of the church and never stray. Isn’t it wonderful?
Don’t you want to become a Christian just like Connie?
Under duress?
Is there a “wrong” way to accept Christ?
Do you need to be pure of intention when coming to the Lord? Can God look at your application, see your cover letter mentions “desires Christian side-hug nookie,” and reject it out of hand? I imagine some would answer “no,” that anything which leads you into the Holy Kingdom is worthwhile. But if so that means converting non-believers into Christians becomes a “by any means necessary” strategy and the implications there are… NOT GREAT.
So does that mean I was at fault for this? That my heart wasn’t pure and I need to throw myself at God’s mercy, repent, and recommit myself to his word? Some Evangelicals would say yes, that you should be doing that every second you have an impure thought. But I’m kinder on myself than that.
I do believe I accepted Jesus for the wrong reasons but it wasn’t because of my desire for “Christian side-hug nookie.” As funny as that is in retrospect, there was more going on. Something that was reflected in other journals I uncovered from the same time period as my conversion story.
From the document “WIERD STUFF7.” Once again, spelling/grammar mistakes have not been corrected.
How much are you willing to sacrfiice for the ones you love?
Quetly drudging up to my room, I slammed the door closed and threw myself onto my bed, tears flwoing from my eyes. WHY! I yell to myself, slamming the pillows in front of me! WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME! Why am I THE ONLY ONE who has to feel pain like this whenever someone I know is hurt! EVERYONE ELSE ia able to deal with it but I CAN'T. I Just CAN'T, with that I roll onto the hard floor of my room, tears never ending. After nearly five minutes of this I staggerd up, my eyes red. Looking at my book shelf I see my entire manga/dvd collection all before me. Slamming my fists against the edges of the bookshelf I cry out, WHY DO YOU ALL HAVE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! Looking staright at the books, all remaing still I yell out, WHY! Wheeling around I slam my fists against my wall, causing ever so small cracks to appear. Falling to my kneesI look up to my collection, crying out, I wish I could make you all go away! I wish you could just leave me alone! I CARE ABOUT her more than anything and this pain I feel is just unbearable! I WOULD GIVE UP EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TO MAKE HER BETTER! Rising up and once again slamming my fists into the dresser I quietly mumble out, No, I wouldn't just give you all up. Turning to face my reflection in my window I take a deep breath and let out, I would give up my own life, so no one I care about as to be in pain!
Was I literally throwing myself around the room and yelling at “my entire manga/dvd collection”? Probably not, but that’s how it felt at the time. I was dealing with a lot as a teenager. Past trauma, on-going trauma, and the regular bullshit of being a teenager. I was so overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts I didn’t understand so I buried them as a deep as I could, desperate to make them go away. Yet they’d always find a way to reappear and they’d do in journal entries where I became laser focused on the idea of sacrificing myself for others. Entries that also had a particular fixation on characters from Kamen Rider who died in battle to stop evil.
I was so focused on protecting “her” (aka Ashely) and others because I didn’t know how to be kind to myself. I hoped that in being selfless, sacrificing myself for others, I’d finally have someone willing to do the same for me. To protect me from all the horrible things that happened/were happening to me.
By openly imagining myself “Rider Kicking” anyone who threatened the ones I cared about, even if I gave up my own life in the process, I was, in the most traumatized Teen-Shamus way possible, hoping someone would notice how much I needed that kind of devotion and affection.
You’d think I’d have gotten that from a summer camp full of Christians but their love was… Oddly muted. Full of affirmations but lacking actions. Only one counselor there really seemed to “get” what I was going through and took the time to talk to me about it with minimal scripture references (he also read my Kamen Rider fanfiction, bless him.) The only thing the rest seemed to respond to was Jesus talk. It was the only way I could get, from my counselors and the fellow teen girl I had a crush on, the affection I so desperately needed.
I bought into the idea of becoming a Christian solely for that affection. Not from God, though I assumed that would come, but from those around me. It was “time” that night because I just needed any relief from the war of trauma going on within me. I was promised God would provide that relief and, for a short time, I thought he had, but it was all just me playing along with the rituals I’d learned from places AIO. I said the right things, acted the part, read my Bible, but I never got what I really needed. Genuine human affection with no strings attached. Instead, all I found in God were empty promises made by his “followers” who seemed to care more about racking up conversions than actually helping me with real emotional issues.
(Art by Gary Locke, Focus on the Family.)
Whit pays lip service to caring about Connie as a person but all he, and AIO as a whole, really cares about is her becoming a Christian. As announcer Chris states in the wrap-up to the two-parter, “Welcome to God's family, Connie. We've been waiting a long time for you.” Why does Whit care so much? Why is he trying to save her soul over any other?
He acts as though he knows what’s best for her, that becoming a Christian is the only way to solve all her problems… Problems that Whit introduced into her life. When we met Connie she seemed like a regular teenager, maybe with a chip on her shoulder about her parents divorce, but other than that pretty normal. As we saw in this two-parter, all the issues Connie was struggling with were introduced by Whit and friends. They are the ones who made her feel lesser, that she wasn’t good enough, that she was evil.
Connie, like me, accepted Jesus for the wrong reasons. Not by any fault of our own, but because of the people presenting God, Jesus, and Christianity as a whole to us. As a way to get something that we should have already been given by virtue of being human beings. Love and affection, no strings attached, no gaslighting or trauma needed.
If God does exist? What Connie and I were told doesn’t come from him. It came from people who were more interested in using the idea of God as a means of control or a way to pat themselves on the back. “Another woman put in her place.” “Another soul saved.”
Fuck you. Care about Connie, care about me, because of who we are. Not because of what you want us to be.
Next Time: A new challenger takes the stage!
Note: Friendly reminder to all the readers, I have a Patreon where you can support the show! You can either pledge $1 a month or simply sign up for free to get reminders of when the blog updates in your email. I’ve also posted some exclusive mini essays, rambles, and other little tidbits there as well. During the writing of this blog I shared all my notes as I first relistened to these episodes, so you’ll get an insight into how these posts come together from the start. Thank you for checking it out!
Sources:
Connie Parts 1 & 2: Written and Directed by Paul McCusker, Production Engineer Bob Luttrell and Dave Arnold, Focus on the Family, 1988.
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Gotcha!: Written and Directed by Phil Lollar, Production Engineer Bob Luttrell, Focus on the Family, 1988.
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“BONUS! How is actress Katie Leigh like Connie” Adventures in Odyssey #3: Heroes, Focus on the Family, 2004.
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